Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies.
Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .
Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)
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The 50 most controversial tee-shirts of all-time (see how many you remember)
https://www.thecut.com/2013/10/50-most-controversial-t-shirts-of-all-time.html
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A city's prostitution district should be nicknamed "The Garden Shed" because everywhere you look are hoes!
-= 3 =-
Once a king, always a king
Once a night, is just a good start.
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~#~ Mitch Hedburg on iHeartRadio.com comedy My buddy asked me, "What's the abbreviation for Arkansas?" I replied, "Just start spelling it. . then quit."
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Q: Why do they shoot "The Voice" in Hi-Def? A: Because you need to be high & deaf to stand watching it!
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John asked his fellow recent college Freshman where he's been for the past few weeks.
"I met a woman & she's FANTASTIC!" answered Jake.
"Awesome," responded his friend, "tell me about her."
"She's beautiful and sexy and we get along so very well!"
"Yeah? How old is she?"
"About 15 years older than us."
"Duuude! I get it -- May-December romances are wonderful for December, because May is young, fresh, like spring, but what do YOU get out of December?"
"Christmas!" Jake said, with a cheeky, knowing, grin.
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Fun ponderables:
Like 'em or not--same price (SFA!)
So now cocaine is legal in Oregon, but straws arenÆt. That must be frustrating.
Still trying to get my head around the fact that æTake OutÆ can mean food, dating, or murder.
Threw out my back sleeping, and tweaked my neck sneezing so IÆm probably just one strong fart away from complete paralysis.
The older I get, the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.
Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the æcool tableÆ in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.
You know youÆre over 50 when you have æupstairs ibuprofenÆ and ædownstairs ibuprofenÆ.
How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life, whenàthe rabbit is always jumping but only lives for around two years, and the turtle that doesnÆt exercise at all, lives over 200 years. So, rest, chill, eat, drink, and enjoy life!
I too was once a male trapped in a female bodyàbut then my mother gave birth.
If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said, ôProbably, but I wouldnÆt count on it.ö
I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.
Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people wonÆt be offended.
The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they arenÆt a robot.
ItÆs weird being the same age as old people.
If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.
We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages àà Metamucil and Ensure.
You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.
Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.
*After watching how some people wore their masks, I understand why contraception fails.
*Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile I am watching a show I donÆt like because the remote fell on the floor.
*For those of you that donÆt want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male versionà.it doesnÆt listen to anything.
*Now that Covid has everyone washing their hands correctlyànext weekàTurn Signals.
*Someone said, ôNothing rhymes with orange.ö I said, ôNo, it doesnÆt.ö
*The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The realist adjusts his sails.
*ThereÆs a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
*Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.
*I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.
*My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
*Apparently exercise helps you with decision-making. ItÆs true. I went for a run this morning and decided IÆm never going again.
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I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.
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Women. . .
are a lot like bacon. . .
Because they smell amazing;
They taste fantastic;
& they will kill you slowly!
-= 10 =-
from Reddit:
I used to work at an outdoor gear retailer selling camping gear, boats, bikes, rock climbing gear. Kind of like an REI, but a smaller local store. This lady comes in asking if we have bear bells. The idea of bear bells is that they make a light jingle sound, so hopefully the bears will hear that and avoid you because they tend to avoid confrontation. So she gets a large amount of bear bells. I assume she just has a large family. After I check her out, she asks,
ôSo, how do you get the bell on the bear?ö
I reply, ôExcuse me?ö
ôHow do I get the bell on the bear so I know when itÆs nearby?ö
[They walk among us & they VOTE!!!]
--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-7
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)